SCENE: The royal throne room of Hendrixius the Great, lying on a couch while bikinied women feed him grapes. His servant Diplodicus enters.
DIPLODICUS. [Kneels.] Your highness.
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. Yes, Diplodicus.
DIPLODICUS. Another chariot racer seeks entrance to the Royal Throne Room.
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. Yet another?
DIPLODICUS. Yes, my liege.
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. Oh, bother. Send him out with a fruit basket.
DIPLODICUS. I’m afraid I would counsel against such action in this case, oh noble sir.
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. Hm?
DIPLODICUS. The charioteer is none other than Similac, the eminent champion of the lesser leagues; with your patronage, he would race in the national chariot racer’s league.
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. Hm.
DIPLODICUS. He is also a plebian favorite, my liege. Quite popular. And again, champion of every league he has entered.
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. Every league?
DIPLODICUS. Yes, my liege.
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. The Spartan League?
DIPLODICUS. Bested 300.
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. The Philosopher’s League?
DIPLODICUS. Used the famed “Socratic Method” to pull out a stunning victory only last month.
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. And what of…oh…Caesar’s race…thingy…what’s that league called?
DIPLODICUS. The Casaerian Section?
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. The other charioteers gave him a wide berth, oh great one.
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. Hm. [Pause as he thinks.] Well, The Oracle has spoken to me and I have made my choice of patronage. But…perhaps a multi-chariot team…
DIPLODICUS. Ahhh, my liege. It becomes ever so much more apparent how deep your lake of wisdom fathoms.
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. Certainly. [Diplodicus exits SR and reenters almost immediately. Announcing.] The famed chariot racer, Similac. [SIMILAC enters. He is a swaggering, gruff, pot-bellied redneck. He kneels.]
SIMILAC. [With discernible southern accent.] You are honored to find me kneeling at your revered feet, oh noble…yeah. So forth and such. [Stands, with a little difficulty.] Hiya, Hendrixius. What’s shakin’?
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. Hm, Similac. Your southern accent – and manner – are quite prominent. You wish to race my chariots?
SIMILAC. Well, I would think you’d want me in one of your rides, Hendsy. With Hendrixius horse power underneath me, I can be the greatest champion of the kingdom. I’ve paid my dues: I’ve broken each arm once, my legs twice, my big tow thrice. And if you want, I can raise my eye patch and show you what Ben Hur did to me this past spring.
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. Ben Hur?
SIMILAC. He’s a cur.
HENDRIXIUS THE GREAT. You’re sure?
SIMILAC. Caused quite a stir.
