Saturday, July 23, 2005

post 92. scene 2 of frank, crystal, prince da, and mr. superfantastic guy (draft 2).

TIME: Day.
SCENE: The curtains part to reveal MR. SUPERFANTASTIC GUY and FRANK’S underwater lair. There is a large, super-modern entertainment center S.L., all silver, and a large, ultra-modern, Europeany couch in front of it, white. S.R. finds a bank of video screens, with maps and crime-fighting stuff flickering throughout and a few computer keyboards and other various buttons and lights intermingling. A super-modern desk sits in front of it. The only thing on this desk is a red phone. The only thing sitting at the desk is MR. S. U.C. is a giant window that looks out into the ocean. A shark swims by as do a few other strange-looking fish. In front of this window, at both S.L. and S.R., are exotically filled, ultramega-modern fishtanks. There is a doorway U.L. to the lair’s entrance and exit and another U.R. to MR. S’s room, and the kitchen is D.R. FRANK’s room is D.L. Again, MR. S. sits solemnly at the desk, in his super suit, his hands on the desk and drumming his fingers, looking at the phone. From O.L. we hear the Star Trek-y sound of a door swooshing open and FRANK’s voice, mid-curse. He enters, dripping wet.

FRANK. Do you know why most super heroes and super villains don’t have their secret lair at the bottom of the ocean? [MR. S. briefly looks at FRANK, who waits for a response but doesn’t get one. He begins to storm towards his room.] I’m not fixing that fucking door anymore. I’m not even trying. You can fucking drown for all I care. [He exits to his room S.L. From off-stage.] Or call… "Lair Care" or something like that. [Pause.] You know? I never thought about that…[He reenters putting on a tee shirt.] What happens when the plumbing conks out or something down here? Like, if the toilet backs up, do we call Uncle Joe’s Country Plumbing and hope he doesn’t tell the bad guys how to get here? [MR. S. continues to look at the phone. FRANK goes back into his room.] I’m a chemist, not a god-damned mechanic. “Hello, Mr. Door? Can you fix our door? Oh, sure, it’s 1 Atlantic Ocean. Just make a left at the giant octopus.” [He reenters and moves towards the kitchen.] No calls tonight, Superman?

MR. S. Mr. Superfantastic Guy. Superman doesn’t exist.

FRANK. You need a hobby. [He reemerges from the kitchen with a soda and goes to the couch. He grabs a remote and turns on the television. The news is on.]

TV REPORTER. …was successfully thwarted by Mr. Superfantastic Guy.

FRANK. Wow! “Thwarted” is my favorite word that I’ve heard ten thousand times. [Points.] Hey, that’s you! Can you autograph my television?

MR. S. That’s my favorite line of yours that you’ve said ten thousand times.

FRANK. Can you thwart the door of our underwater lair so I don’t get wet every time I come home? [Pause. FRANK flips the channel. Another news show.] Hey, someone threw a brick through the window of a Starbucks. Should we investigate?

MR. S. The local authorities…

FRANK. [Interrupting.] …can handle that. Yeah. I forgot we’re reserved for fender benders between planets. Why is that?

MR. S. Because we do what others cannot.

FRANK. [Turns.] Where’d you get that one? [Pause.] Look. Seriously. Look at us. You’re sitting by a red phone waiting for Commissioner Gordon to call, and I’m sleeping next to a window that gets tapped on by the ghosts of the Titanic. Don’t you think this is a little extreme?

MR. S. [Pause.] Ghosts tap on your window?

FRANK. [Exasperated.] No, I’m just saying…[Turns back to the television.] Nevermind. Just thought I’d ask why we can’t live in something a little closer to a donut shop. Or a Chinese restaurant.

MR. S. The same question you’ve asked ten thousand times. [Pause.] If you don’t like it, leave. Live in a house where people like the Banker can get you.

FRANK. You thwarted him today. With a bank toss. I saw it on the news.

MR. S. Don’t be an asshole. You know what I mean.

FRANK. So you’ll just let me move out? Quit the super hero life?

MR. S. I didn’t say that.

FRANK. Yeah. Right. Exactly.

MR. S. [Abruptly gets up.] It seems the city is safe for tonight. I’m turning in. [Gets up and turns to his door. With his back to FRANK.] What's your problem, Frank? You’ve been a jerk for the past month. More so than usual, I mean. Anything I should know about? [FRANK does not answer, but stews in the couch, watching the television. MR. S leaves. FRANK flips the channels mechanically as we hear the swoosh of the door opening O.L. Crystal enters, carrying a purse and a DVD.]

FRANK. Hey. [He looks at her.] You’re not wet.

CRYSTAL. [Tries a polite laugh.] Should I be?

FRANK. Never mind.

CRYSTAL. Here’s The Poseidon Adventure. Thought you’d like it.

FRANK. [Gets up.] Let’s go see a movie. You know, go out. If I have to spend another night looking out my window at octopuses...[smiles.] Let’s get a cheeseburger or something.

CRYSTAL. I can’t.

FRANK. He doesn’t even know you’re here yet.

CRYSTAL. Frank. I can’t. [FRANK sits on the couch.] I’m sorry. Soon.

FRANK. “Soon.” I’m getting tired of hearing that.

CRYSTAL. I know. I’m sorry. [Pause.] Just…I need to figure this out.

FRANK. Glad you’re including me.

CRYSTAL. Frank, please. [She puts down the on the coffee table. She stands and looks at FRANK, who returns to flipping channels. She moves U.R. to MR. S’s door.]

FRANK. Have fun.

CRYSTAL. [Pause.] I’m trying, Frank. I’m…[Pause.] You’re not helping things by acting this way. To either of us.

FRANK. [Turns.] So what am I supposed to do?

CRYSTAL. Leave. If you’re so unhappy with things, you can leave. [FRANK begins to open his mouth.] And that’s not meant to be any indication of…how I feel. Just…leave. For a while. [FRANK does not respond but turns the channels at a much stronger pace. There is a moment where CRYSTAL tightens her lip, but after a moment turns and exits U.R.]

FRANK. I can’t leave. [Blackout and curtain.]