post 26. my new bodyguard.

holding the scepter in my hands felt quite dangerous; i knew that there would be people who would want to take it from me, the lowly janitor who somehow found himself in the position of replacement king. i looked around the room and saw everyone looking at me like they wanted to kill me: there was opus del closer, the one-eyed minister of the state, who certainly had the firmness to be next in line. he looked at me with his evil eye and spat when i tried to pull off a nonchalant nod to each of my cabinet members. there was killbrough minnywinkly, the minister of defense, his body creaking with the armored steel that had been infused with after the battle of monochrome. next to him was religious furniture, the miserly old treasurer; there was bobby scumbib, and last but not least the administrator of scientific disasters guiless thimblerig. i tried engaging them all in conversation. well, i said, pulling the robes over my legs, that was unexpected. who would have thought the janitor would take over this whole thing? ha, ha, ha! i laughed nervously. they all murmured a decidedly half-hearted and mean-spirited agreement but all turned at the sound of one person clapping. at the back of the room, leaning against the huge doorway that separated the throne from the royal baths, was silver cutaway, my personal bodyguard. always more loyal to the state over personal matters, she was in love with the former king. she clapped and everyone turned around, scowling at her like she was the world’s biggest party-pooper. i think you’ll make an excellent king, she said. later, in the confines of my royal chamber, she told me as much on a more personal level. i loved the king, you know that. and one of these people killed him. they had tried for so long, and finally, well, here we are. she looked off in to the distance as i lay in my royal bed, reading comic books. i can’t help but feel responsible, she continued, then I saw her wipe at her face, straighten herself, and turn towards me. you have large shoes to fill, and right as she said this she she quickly shot to the ground like a cat that suddeny heard a noise in the other room. what’s the mat—i started, but she shot me a look that told me to shhhhh. all was quiet. i looked around nervously, and began to slowly pull the covers over my head. withouit so much as a bead of sweat, she launched three knives at a tapestry opposite the foot of my bed and suddenly there was a cry -- opus del closer fell dead with a nasty-looking, sharp thing in his hand that would have no doubt caused me much grief. he fell to the ground and cursed me. hey, man, i didn’t ask for this, I replied as he took his last breaths. silver ground her foot into his chest. i should have known, she said. did you kill the king, she said, and he denied it, although he admitted he knew who did. he croaked before she could get that information, though. the next day I shuffled alongside silver, me in my royal robes that were much too big for me, and silver striding confidently as we gamboled through the royal gardens. how did you meet the king, i asked as i blew on my tea to cool it off. he was elected and i was a very young girl, just having joined the state military, and he saw that i had potential as his royal body guard. by the time i was twenty, i was in that posit…where did you get that tea? she asked. oh, from that nice gentleman over there, i said, pointing to the man standing by the poison ivy display in the garden, a man i would have described as looking very familiar but wearing a bushy, almost comically bad moustache. i put the tea up to my lips and before i knew it i was standing in the middle of the garden looking at a hole in the ground caused by the acid that was going to be my tea but was swatted from my hands by silver, and killbrough minniylwinkly lying on the ground by the poison oak, having just had his fake moustache ripped away by my personal bodyguard. who killed the king? was it you, you scoundrel? she cried, and killbrough admitted he knew nothing of that plot, but was happy to see the king die, for he thought it surely meant that he would have taken the throne. there’s only one end to traitors, silver said and she asked me to turn away as she pulled out her long, sleek-looking blaster pistol. later that day we were enjoying go-carts. did you love the king, like, you know, love him love him? i shouted as we bumped each other playfully, laughing in the sun-drenched playgound. i…i loved the state, she said, and he was a great man. i was never one for power. i am only here for duty, duty to the leader of the state. that’s my job, i said proudly. well done, she replied with a proud smile on her face. suddenly there was a gaggle of go-carts surrounding us, and wouldn’t you know it, religious furniture had the evil egyptian cart-ouche racing team at his behest, and they were trying to run me off the road. it was all i could do to keep my crown on the top of my head, what with all that jostling. silver immediately jumped from her car, used mine as a stepping stone – at 15 miles per hour!!! – and took out the evil egyptian cart-ouche team in the following ways: 1) punching a face in, 2) shoving one’s face into the moving parts of an engine, and 3) suffocating one with a tire. then she went after religious, and they had the sweetest-looking duel on go-carts that i can’t even begin to describe, but was certainly worthy of having the national anthem rewritten. we stood at the side of the road, go-carts in flames and the egyptian cart-ouche team lying about dead, and silver with her foot on religious’ neck. did you kill the king? she asked. please spare me, i was blinded by power, he said. so! you killed the king, she asked. no, it wasn’t me, but i thought this one would be easy to get rid of. hey, i pouted, why does everyone think i’m a weenie? then i noticed the elastic band around my crown needed tighening. because, religious spat, you’re a janitor, and an orphan, at that! silver swiftly slid a knife into his chest. the sky was pretty as we sat on the beach in the warm summer afternoon. i thought the king would live forever, she said, looking out at the water, and i ate sandwiches from my picnic basket. peanut butter and jelly. well, we all have to go sometime, right? i said, finishing off another one. i went towards the water, and just before i stepped in silver tackled me and admonished me for not waiting a half hour before going in the water after eating. then she asked, where did you get that picnic basket? i brought it myself, i said proudly. oh, she said, and looked around. we returned to the picnic basket and i offered her a sandwich. thanks, she said. we ate sandwiches on the beach, and got to know each other. do you think i’ll make a good king? i asked. she began to cry. what’s the matter? do you think i’ll be that bad a king? i asked. she said, i have a secret for you, but before she confided it in me, bobby scumbib came sludging out of the water in a shark suit. silver wiped away her tears and quickly stood at the ready. no, no, i give up, he said, dripping wet. i'm turning myself in. i’ve been waiting in the water for hours now, ready-ing my attempt to kill you, but you’re too smart, king. you must have known i was preparing the ultimate death. he then took out a transmitter and pushed a button, and the following things happened in the water: 1) a giant gate opened and suddenly the water was filled with giant shark fins prowling the coastline 2) three helicopters zoomed out from behind the cliffs around us and started shooting randomly into the water 3) a giant explosion blew up all the sharks, then the shark pieces hit the helicopters, which made them lose control, dive haplessly into the water, and then exploded. see? he said. wasn’t that pretty cool? silver and i agreed. how did you know not to get in the water? he asked, and then, after taking cuffs from silver, binded himself and sloopingly walked off towards the jail. i smiled at silver. she smiled back and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. you were telling me you had a secret, or something, before bobby scumbib came out of the water? i asked as we played ping pong in the royal game room later that night. yes, she answered. it’s…it’s that i’m your mother. i dropped my paddle, which of course gave the point to silver. what??? i jabbered. she said: i was in love with your father. my father? you know my father? where is he? i continued to jabber. i knew your father, she said, as she reached for another ping pong ball. she started to tell me about him but when she hit the ping pong ball with her paddle it exploded, sending her crashing through the air and into the nintendo. i ran to her. no, no…mom! please! please, are you all right? i asked. she smiled. all this time, silver’s smile had been a motherly smile. mom. please be all right. you’ll be fine, she said, weakly. you have your father’s strength, but you need to find it. where is my father? i asked. he’s close, sweetie. close. we knew people would try to kill you if they knew you were our son, so we…acted like you were adopted. he's closer than you know, she said as she reached up and felt the deep crimson velvet of my royal robes, and ran her shaking fingers along my crown. the realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and silver – mom – died in my arms. and somewhere, somewhere in the castle, i heard the spectrely dissonance of evil laughter. the laughter of guiless thimblerig.